The Bachelor The recap is late this week due to some craziness in my week, but for added entertainment I’m watching it with my friend April who has never seen the show. And it’s Fantasy Suites week. Will she still be my friend after? We’ll see!
Pudding has her White Claw catnip and she’s ready to go!
Clayton tells the camera that he is falling in love with the remaining three women, Gabby, Susie, and Rachel, and that he may already be in love with Susie.
Everyone is in Iceland. We cut to the hotel where the three women sit in super awkward silence. Susie says that sex is important in any relationship, but that she only has sex when she feels truly connected to someone. She says that if Clayton gets intimate with one of the other girls, it will be devastating for her.
April: Maybe this isn’t the show for her then.
The first date is for Rachel. They go for a helicopter ride and then go down into a volcano.
Fortunately, Clayton tells us that he is inactive. Thanks my friend. I assumed you wouldn’t go on a active volcano.
April: They’re 400 feet down in a volcano with shit dripping all around them. If your parka is blazing white when pulled up, I call nonsense.
Rachel reflects that Clayton still hasn’t come clean to her about his feelings. During dinner, she tells him that she felt very insecure during the last rose ceremony.
Clayton says that she wasn’t “100% transparent” when she was with Rachel’s family, and then says, “I’m falling for you.”
“You just scared me,” says Rachel.
Yeah, that’s a fucking weird opening for “I love you.”
They then open the creepy letter inviting them to the fantasy suite. It’s written in capital letters like a serial killer trying to disguise his handwriting or something. The next morning we see them kissing in bed. Clayton complains that her shoulder is falling asleep because she lay on it.
April: I have a feeling Susie is out of luck.
April and I then spend a minute discussing the fact that Clayton’s nipples seem to be too close to his armpit. PAGING DOCTOR NIPS!
Then Clayton leaves and Rachel yells “I love you!” He yells “I love you too!”
April: After twenty-six seasons, how can you still find women who are willing to be like “I love you, this was so magical, we’ll have this forever” when you’re literally on your way to having two dates exactly like yours?
Because they get to launch diet iced tea on Instagram and continue dancing with stars then.
As Rachel returns to the hotel, Susie begins to cry because she is not sure where Clayton is with the other women. She says again that if he thinks he’s in love with her, but he sleeps with the other women, she won’t be able to handle it.
So it’s time for Gabby’s date. She says that she expected to see whales, but when she is left in a random field, she says that she guesses that’s not it.
April: I’m glad you realized that this is not where the ships are.
Instead, they ride an ATV and then end up on a beach.
During dinner, Gabby wears a slip dress with an asymmetrical neckline and it seems that one of her boobs is about to come out. Clayton thanks Gabby for loving him, and it’s weird. He then he says, “I’m falling in love with you.”
This guy just doesn’t know how to preface that statement?
Her fantasy suite is a yurt-igloo (April and I can’t agree on what it is) with, of course, a random Jacuzzi.
“Oh yeah, we’re going to do it in style tonight,” says Clayton.
This is an approximation of April’s expression.
Click for GIF
Back at the hotel, Susie cries into a glass of wine because she can’t “get the concept” of Clayton being intimate with the other women.
WHY ARE YOU IN THIS PROGRAM? JESUS CHRIST.
When Gabby returns, Susie is upset that none of the other women revealed what she told them. “I don’t know anything, right now everything is confusing,” she says.
Meanwhile Clayton is having a crisis because he is falling for the three women and “1000% I am going to destroy someone. I just don’t want to hurt anyone. I wanted to fall in love, I understand. I just didn’t want to fall in love with multiple people.”
Then it’s time for Susie’s date and it’s very windy and hail. They go to a spa/hot spring. First they go to a cold foggy room and Susie hates it, then they go to a sauna with an ocean view.
Clayton tells the camera that he is not falling in love with Susie, he is past that point and in love.
Then it’s time for dinner that they can’t eat. He tells her, “It’s not about me falling in love with you anymore, I’m in love with you.”
“Oh my God!” Susy says.
“Knowing that there is a commitment, there are things that I cannot commit,” he adds. She then asks him if he feels that he is in love with the other women or if he slept with them.
“If I’m sharing your love with someone else…I don’t think I’d feel comfortable,” she says.
Clayton says he was “surprised” that she encouraged him to explore other relationships. So he tells her that yes, she has slept with someone else and expressed feelings of infatuation.
“If you feel like you’re in love with me, it doesn’t make sense for me to sleep with someone else,” she says.
He tells her that he has different feelings for different people, and that it’s very special where they are.
He tells her that he is “the most in love” with her.
Susie starts to cry and says that it makes her feel worse. Basically, he didn’t want to give her an ultimatum, but he hoped that if he was in love with her, he wouldn’t have slept with the other women.
Clayton says that a relationship is working through the tough times. He then says that he actually slept with Gabby and Rachel, but that he had loving feelings for both of them.
Click for a GIF of this date
Then Clayton gets mad and says he can’t believe she waited until now to tell him her expectations and he can’t believe she’s doing this to him now, a week before the final episode.
She gets up crying and Clayton runs off. Jesse goes to talk to him and Clayton says, “I don’t know where to go from here. She just ripped me apart. She just completely destroyed me.”
Dude, she communicated a boundary to you, she was under no obligation to do so before, and you refuse to respect her feelings. Fuck off.
They go back inside and Susie says, “I don’t know what to do.”
“You’ve literally made up your mind,” snaps Clayton.
“I feel horrible. I feel like screwed up everything,” she cries.
“I’m just going to be honest with you, you just invalidated everything we had, yeah [what we had] it was really true, you would work through this,” he says.
“You had sex with two women,” she says. “You are committed to me going home now. I ruined it”
“I’m not blaming you, but I don’t know what I’m looking at anymore, you just dropped a bomb on me. The way you did this is BS. I’ve finished. We are done,” she says.
So he is in love with her, but the moment she challenges him on anything, he criticizes her and becomes the victim.
“At some point I will find someone who will stand up and fight for me,” he tells her.
WHAT A HIT.
Susie gets in the car and drives off.
Clayton continues to have a tantrum with the producers. “My heart is no longer in this. It’s out. My heart is out.”
Well, that would be fatal.
And that’s where we end. You’re watching?